


The Sum of My Parts

by potentiallyAWKWARD



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Post-Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 10:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14259165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiallyAWKWARD/pseuds/potentiallyAWKWARD
Summary: Sherlock,My therapist told me that in order for me to get closure, I should write you a letter and then take it to her office and we can burn it. I dunno about all of that, maybe I’ll just burn it myself, or throw it away, but I figure it can’t hurt any to try it.





	The Sum of My Parts

Sherlock,

My therapist told me that in order for me to get closure, I should write you a letter and then take it to her office and we can burn it. I dunno about all of that, maybe I’ll just burn it myself, or throw it away, but I figure it can’t hurt any to try it. She is a professional, after all.

I’m not sure why I’m nervous to write this. You’re never going to read it; no one is ever going to read it. It’s for my eyes only. But—God, this is messed up, but I’m afraid to write this letter. I don’t want closure. I want answers, sure, but I would rather have you. This is me admitting defeat. Saying goodbye. I’m too much of a coward for it.

Right, then. Let’s just... I’ll just write whatever I’m thinking, then. Nothing formal.

It’s been more than two months since we last talked. Closer to three, come to think of it. Three months without you. Some days I do okay, but sometimes the littlest things will set me off, like when someone mentioned that their son was studying chemistry at Cambridge. And then, I’m thinking about you, bending over your microscope, looking at God-knows-what, and then I think about... _you_ , and I just...

We didn’t know each other for very long. But you made me feel interesting, and not like a crippled veteran living off a pension because he can’t hold a job because he can’t get through a shift without... Well. You made me think I was worth more than the sum of my parts, and the worst part is that I believed you.

What would it have taken? I’ve been told not to blame myself, that it was not something I could have stopped, but I just... What if I had been 10% smarter, or funnier, or nicer, or better? What would it have taken for you to stay with me? What was so wrong with me that you would just... do _that_ without feeling like I deserve an explanation? I knew I wasn’t your top priority, I knew I never could be, but I thought you cared about me at least a tiny bit.

Was it all just an act, then? Our friendship? Those smiles? Remember New Year’s? What was that, Sherlock? What the hell was that if you don’t even respect me enough to say goodbye properly? God, you must think I’m such an idiot. Well, I hope I gave you whatever you were looking for.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I keep texting you but I delete them after a minute because I don’t want to seem desperate. Do you see the texts? Probably not. You have better things to do.

I just want an answer. I need to know why. And it’s not fair that I can’t ever know. But I have to learn to live with it.

Despite all of this—and this is the worst bit—I can’t change my feelings for you. You’ve put me through hell but if you knocked on my door tomorrow, I’d forgive you without a second thought.

I’m not going to take this letter to Ella’s. I’ll just rip it up and throw it away. I don’t feel any better than I did ten minutes ago, but who am I to question my healthcare professional?

Always yours,  
John Hamish Watson

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Poot and the GC!


End file.
